The Night Santa Went Crazy
by CrazyAlwaysClueNever
Summary: Has nothing to do with Santa, Christmas, or Weird Al Yankovic but the crazy bit is dead on. The answer to the Question what if a Goa’uld tried to take a Wraith as a host? The title having nothing to do with the story in just the tip of the phycotic icebur
1. Prologue

The Night Santa Went Crazy

VITAL A/N: This story is the brainchild of intense boredom and must therefore be treated with all the seriousness one would treat a hallucination with. All the 'interesting' formatting you find has been done on purpose. If you don't like it I suggest you crap the corncob. Anyway, thank you to Ella, my dear beta and the one who came up with the premise for this story. Once you've read, you decide who's worse. The one who asked the question (Ella) or the one who answered it (Me).

Oh and FYI _thoughts_ are in _italics._

Prologue

In which is contemplative prose

The only problem with quick, easy travel between galaxies is that the problems from the one seep into the other and collide with its problems, thus creating brand new, giant, mutant problems. Fortunately some of the respective galactic problems are so radically different that instead of snowballing into catastrophic avalanches they merely bounce harmlessly off one another.

TBC

R&R


	2. Chapter 1

The Night Santa Went Crazy

VITAL A/N: This story is the brainchild of intense boredom and must therefore be treated with all the seriousness one would treat a hallucination with. All the 'interesting' formatting you find has been done on purpose. If you don't like it I suggest you crap the corncob. Anyway, thank you to Ella, my dear beta and the one who came up with the premise for this story. Once you've read, you decide who's worse. The one who asked the question (Ella) or the one who answered it (Me).

Oh and FYI _thoughts_ are in _italics._

Chapter 1: The Redundancy Plan

In which contemplative prose is repeated

The only problem with quick, easy travel between galaxies is that the problems from the one seep into the other and collide with its problems, thus creating brand new, giant, mutant problems. Fortunately some of the respective galactic problems are so radically different that instead of snowballing into catastrophic avalanches they merely bounce harmlessly off one another.

TBC

A/N: I told you this was going to get weird.

R&R


	3. Chapter 2

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Chapter 2: The Goa'uld and The Capture

In which there is a Goa'uld, a capture and some mild cursing

He smiled and nodded as he passed a group of scientists in the hallway. _Humans are so oblivious._ No one on base had any idea he was there. Safely ensconced in his host. No one noticed when one of the mess hall staff acquired a scar on her neck. _Pure genius._ He gloated to himself. _No one so high profile as a ship commander like those arrogant fools had chosen, one of their menial laborers and a woman, who would suspect._ If he hadn't been in a public place he would have cackled gleefully.

And he hadn't even needed to bring any sabotage materials with him. _This place is filled with things I can use. Not as careless as the others were, why I won't get caught._ He knew which one he wanted. He slipped silently into the room and grabbed the device. The irony would be sweet. Carefully he stole out of the room, across the city and hid the device where only he would find it. Then alarms began to go off, nearly drowning out the sounds of running and shouting outside. He heard the word Wraith scre-

TBC

B/N (Beta's note): So you can totally blame me for the ending. Or, rather, lack thereof.

A/N: Her idea, I just picked which word to leave in the middle of.

R&R


	4. Chapter 2 cont

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Chapter 2: The Goa'uld and The Capture, continued

In which there is a Goa'uld, a capture and some mild cursing, continued

-amed in warning and terror. He glanced around the empty room in time to see a shadow slip across a table. He whipped around to look again and heard a buzzing noise behind him. Altogether annoyed he swung around to face it. His eyes widened comically. _Oh Shit!!_ The last thing he saw was the brilliant white light.

TBC

R&R


	5. Chapter 3

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Chapter 3: The Wraith

In which there is a Wraith and a game of musical bodies

_Hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry, so hungry._

_Foooooodd!!_ The human female was exactly what he needed to get his strength back. He approached her from behind. Breathing heavily and with anticipation he raised his hand. Hearing him she whipped around her eyes flashing. _Eyes flashing?_ Recognizing the brief golden glow as an intimidation challenge the Wraith opened his mouth and growled. She smiled and opened her mouth wide.

Something small, gray, and sharp tore through the back of her throat. The Wraith froze, jaw slack. The sharp pincers finished slicing through her throat and a wiggling snake-like creature coiled in her mouth. Suddenly the snake sprang forth from the woman's mouth into the still gaping mouth of the Wraith.

TBC

B/N: I am not useless!

A/N: No comment.

R&R


	6. Chapter 4

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Chapter 4: Boing!

In which galactic problems bounce off one another

The Wraith shrieked his fury as pain like white-hot stars exploded in his head. He felt a small sluggish presence trying to weasel into control of his mind. He violently threw it off but it came right back with a vengeance. He screamed now in his mind, alerting his fellow Wraith. Immediately familiar presences filled his mind and rallied with him to crush the offending presence. Forcing the invading mind back into its shell while screaming mental war cries against this miniscule thing that would dare challenge a Wraith.

He could feel the thing retreating inside his neck. The beginnings of claws on the inside of his freshly healed throat. Taking one step further the Wraith followed the thing's mind back into its body. Pushing through thought and memory and into motor control, crippling the creature with a thought.

TBC

R&R


	7. Chapter 5

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Chapter 5: The Parasite in the Pale

In which there is a Goa'uld inside a Wraith

Unable to move, or break into his host's mind the Goa'uld was examining its options. So far it was going rather well. _Any minute now I'll think of an option._ The thought was chasing its tail around his brain like a neurotic (B/N: PHYCOTIC!! Don't ask…A/N: I used phycotic in the summary. Don't ask…) mantra. _Any minute._

It had been many minutes.

If he could have fumed he would have. _How could this happen? To me! The great and powerful Voldemort. I who commanded fleets and armies beyond this lower being's imagination. _If he cold yell, or throw something, or pace, or sigh dramatically, if he could do anything he would have. But he couldn't and he didn't.

The realization hit him like a Ha'tac at hyper speed. _I can't do anything._ Maybe it was a delayed reaction to the Wraith's mental assault. Maybe it was his increasing age and his decreasing power. Maybe it was a combination. Whatever it was the addition of his revelation pushed it over the edge. If he could have a nervous breakdown, or a heart attack, or an aneurysm, or a stomach flu, he did (B/N: Meanwhile I'm wondering whether or not a Goa'uld has a heart of stomach). He wasn't sure if he could do any of those things. But if he could, he decided, he did.

That was the last thing he thought for a long time to come. Every few years the thought, _Any minute,_ floats across his mind before it goes silent again. From then on, with no army of territory to rule or even bodily control, he really ceased to be a Gould. From then on he was merely a parasite taking nutrients from his host. A snake wrapped around the Wraith's spine.

Do Wraiths have spine?

TBC

B/N: That whole thing about Voldemort, totally my fault. And if you didn't catch the allusion… what rock have you been living under for the last 12 years?

A/N: What rock on what planet? I don't think any of the rocks on Earth are that behind on the times.

R&R


	8. Epilouge

The Night Santa Went Crazy

Epilogue

In which we learn what happens to the sabotage material when the saboteur disappears

A furious John Sheppard banged through the doors and stormed out of the kitchen into the crowed Mess Hall. A chunky object coated in ice crystals clutched in his right hand. He glared at the staring crowd. He raised the object and demanded in a murderous tone, "Who put my stereo in the freezer?"

The End.

A/N: So, that was fun. Please review, even if only to tell me that my writing is postmodern pucky and I should be sealed in small room with a stinky piece of cheese.

B/N: She should totally be locked away in a room with nothing but a piece of stinking cheese, but this is hardly the reason for it. I really don't have anything else to say other than this whole story is my fault. I just asked the question. Oh yeah, go read my stories -Ella-the-crash-test-dummy-

A/N: If you lock me in the room with the cheese I'm locking you in the room with the people who didn't get the Voldemort allusion, they're out there.


End file.
